Silence

This is a new silence. It is deep, lifeless, vacuous. It is not oppressive, yet it sucks the life out of everything. It highlights the loss of an energy, a life source. It surrounds me, invades my soul, yet does not impede me. It is empty. A black hole. Lifeless yet possessing a life of its own. Empty yet representational of the vital life energy that has been lost in this space. It changes the tone and character of my home. There is a deep stillness – an aura of death of sorts, yet not dark or threatening or frightening. Just profoundly sad and empty. It resonates with regrets and wishes for different outcomes. The loss can be felt in every corner – there is no escaping the silence. There is yet the background noise of life – birds chirp, cars drive by, the coffee maker gurgles, the keyboard keys click and I catch my breath. But those sounds are simply an upper layer hovering over the silence which undergirds it all. It is sorrow expressed in void. A void that is irrevocably present, unchanging and unable to be altered. A life has been ended and cannot be revived. A spirit has passed from this world and can not be harkened back. A voice has been silenced never to be naturally heard again. It does not matter that it was the right time, that it was a decision that spared future pain and suffering. No, in my human selfishness, what matters is that I am left with this profound void that cannot be altered but must be experienced – relentlessly. I am left to navigate this new silence, this new emptiness, this new knowledge – that in my selfishness, I have made this all about me. Because, after all, I am the one left behind in this all encompassing silence. I am the one left to navigate this new course of life that is defined by this silence. I am the one left here with the knowledge that there is no remedy but time, and time will only dull the pain and create more layers of sound over the silence. But, in my core, the silence will forever remain causing all outer sound to echo in the depths of my soul.

This silence is new in its profundity. I have known the silence created by loss before. Every death brings a silence to my life. When my father died the silence was a silence of future possibilities. The ending of a young new relationship we had established. It silenced a lifelong desire to know him better. When my older sister left, it was the silencing of the promise of a new, healthier journey. It took the joy of her newfound faith in Christ from our lives and left unexpressed what her life may have become as she walked and grew into that faith. When my little sis died, the silence was softer, more flowing, more beautiful – representational of her artistic, expressive soul. It was a reverential silence, one which acknowledged how difficult her life here had been for her. It sucked the color and beauty out of my world for a time. Losing my brother brought the silence of regret. Sorrow that we never were close, never able to bridge the gap that had existed between us all of our lives. When my mother died, the silence was deafening – life-changing. It was the silence born of losing the one person who loved me unconditionally and fiercely. It was a soul numbing – perhaps even killing – silence. That is the silence that has lingered longest and had the greatest impact. There have been other silences that have changed the tenor and tone of my life. Losing Stella brought a depth of silence I did not expect. Stella, who in her blindness taught me how to see, has also taught me about silence. Losing my pets, one by one, each brought its own silence. Losing friends and students added to the layers of silence, each different yet similar in nature.

And now, this last silence. I believe its profundity arises out of the cumulative effects of all the other silences death has delivered. It resurrects each silence, brings them together and they swirl and coil, layer upon layer of silence, thicker and stronger as the cords intertwine and become established as this new entity. Its depth is unfathomable yet I do not physically drown. Its darkness impenetrable while allowing me to function in the light of day. It is the sadness it brings which I cannot escape. It permeates every breath. It dulls the light which surrounds me. It robs all sound of its natural beauty and ability to soothe my soul. It is alive and formidable. I will walk in it, I suppose. I will do what I have been taught to do, open my arms, welcome it and give it to the Lord as I thank Him for each and every life lost that contributed to its existence. And I am left to wonder if the silence will be taken when I am reunited with them or if it will remain part of who I am in eternity.